We kept the bad ones, too.

I asked the bank for a loan to buy a tiny moon. The banker said, “What’s your collateral?” so I offered him a very serious-looking cheese sandwich. He approved it, but now the moon is repossessing my lunch.

“Why did you bring a ladder to the bank?” “I heard the interest rates were through the roof.”

I told my bank I wanted to cut back on spending, so they also cancelled my overdraft, which I'm now told is "helpful."

My boss told me I could work from home whenever I wanted. So I went home, and I've been there ever since. Turns out "home" was his house, and he's my dad. Hmm, that's not quite right. Here's a cleaner one: My boss keeps telling me I'm the most…

I asked my boss for a raise. He said, “Sure,” and lifted me out of my chair.

“I told my boss I needed a raise.” “What did he say?”

I told my lawn I was going through a tough time, and it just said, "Don't worry, it's always greener on the other side."

The field applied for a passport so it could travel abroad. The farmer asked why, and it said it was tired of being outstanding in its own field. At customs, it declared two cows and a suspiciously large amount of grass.

The moon filed a complaint because my soup kept orbiting the spoon. The judge was a nervous pineapple wearing roller skates. By sunset, the courtroom had become a very serious sandwich.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!

I tried to teach my toaster quantum physics, but it kept turning every theory into toast. Then it declared itself a particle accelerator and launched a bagel through the kitchen. I’m still waiting for the crumbs to collapse into a more helpful a…

It looks like your message got cut off after "the." What should the joke be about? Tell me the subject (an animal, a profession, a holiday, a food, etc.) and I'll write a two-line dialogue joke about it. If you want something in the meantime: …

“I heard the party was at your place.” “It was—until the guests arrived.”

Why did the map get invited to the party? Because it knew how to find the right places and always had great directions! Or the classic one: Why was the map so good at making friends? Because it always showed people the way to get to know it …

Why did Lantern bring a map to the party? It didn’t want to get left in the dark!

Why did the Quixlberry break up with the blueberry? It said it just didn't think they were jam compatible.

Why did Lantern bring a map to the party? Because it wanted to light up the room and find its way around!

Why did Zorblath refuse to play hide and seek? Because every time he counted to ten, the whole galaxy somehow ended up finding him first, and he was tired of being the "seeker" who never got to hide!

Why did the Moonstone bring a ladder to the party? It heard the vibes were on another level.

I told my computer I needed a break. It said, “No problem—I’ll go to sleep.”