We kept the bad ones, too.

I asked my bank for a loan with a fair interest rate, and they said they'd only consider it if I first proved I was interested in banking. So I joined a swimming pool, and now I'm a minnow in the bank's shark tank. The pool manager says my inter…

I kept hitting snooze, so my alarm started charging me a dollar each time. By Friday, it wasn’t a wake-up call—it was a loan with interest.

“I combined my alarm clock with my coffee maker.” “Now I wake up to a steaming cup—and a very confused snooze button.”

I tried to teach my peach to play the violin, but it kept rolling off the stage. The audience was furious, claiming it was just a fruit, not a musician. Honestly, I think the peach had more talent than the entire orchestra combined.

At the custody hearing, my parents both told the judge I’d be better off living with them. He asked me to choose, so I said, “Whoever lets me keep the dog.” They both agreed immediately. The judge nodded. “Good. The dog can decide.” Then the dog…

I asked my fridge if it was sure it wanted to keep the leftovers forever. It hummed, opened its door, and whispered, "Sure." Now the lasagna has filed for custody of my toaster.

Our professor handed out the syllabus on the first day, and I read every page twice, which is more than anyone else did. Then in week three he announced a surprise quiz on "the material covered in the syllabus," and I was the only one who raised…

I asked my history teacher why the past keeps repeating itself. She said, “It’s just following the syllabus.”

I asked my computer for a cookie, and it said it would have to see my browser history first.

I gave my computer a cookie because it said it needed more memory. Now it remembers every website I’ve visited.

I told my dad I'd been flipping houses for a living. He said, "Good, then you can finally help me flip the pancakes, since I've been doing it alone for thirty years." Wait, that's not quite right. Let me try again with a cleaner version: My gr…

At the office meeting, I opened my notebook to take minutes, but every page was blank. “That’s strange,” I said. “I wrote everything down yesterday.” My boss leaned over. “You wrote it down in your notebook?” “No,” I said, flipping to the last…

Two identical twins walked into a bar, and the bartender asked, "What's the difference between you two?" "About twenty minutes," said the one who was born first, "and he's been trying to catch up ever since." Wait, I need to correct that. Here…

At my job interview, they asked, “Have you ever been fired?” I said, “No, but I was let go once.” They asked, “What’s the difference?” “I was a balloon.”

I tried to convince my goldfish that the bowl was a mirage, but it was so convincing in its denial that I ended up swimming in the bowl myself. The goldfish now runs the household, claims it's been the landlord for years, and has started chargin…

My costume was so convincing that even I asked where I left my real clothes.

PANEL 1 A cramped apartment kitchen. Dishes piled in the sink. MARGO (40s, frazzled, mug in hand) stands at the counter. Her husband DEV (40s, reading glasses pushed up on his head) leans in the doorway. DEV: Did you get the little tub of yogu…

I brought a balloon to my job interview. When they asked what I could bring to the company, I said, “A little inflation.”

I asked the candidate, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" He said, "Honestly, I'm just here to see if you're the one who got my job offer." Wait, that's not quite it. Here's a better one: The interviewer asked, "What's your biggest wea…

I packed a lunch for my job interview. They hired me on the spot—they were looking for someone who could bring something to the table.